Me: How was your ten-year reunion?
Brother: Fine. One of my friends walked up to me and said, "I'm overweight, unemployed, and live with my parents."
Me: I'm all of those except overweight.
Brother: I'm all of those except I don't live with my parents.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
True Life: Milk: It does a body good, right?
Day 2 without milk.
Me: Maybe it's something other than milk that's making me sick. I've been drinking milk my whole life. It's probably something else.
Fiance: It kind of sounds like you're in denial.
Me: I'm not in denial! Maybe if I don't drink milk in the morning, I could drink it in the afternoon.
Fiance: Now you're bargaining.
Me: What's your point? Geez.
Fiance: And now you're angry. You are going through the five stages of grief.
Me: (sulks)
Me: Maybe it's something other than milk that's making me sick. I've been drinking milk my whole life. It's probably something else.
Fiance: It kind of sounds like you're in denial.
Me: I'm not in denial! Maybe if I don't drink milk in the morning, I could drink it in the afternoon.
Fiance: Now you're bargaining.
Me: What's your point? Geez.
Fiance: And now you're angry. You are going through the five stages of grief.
Me: (sulks)
Thursday, June 17, 2010
True Life: Vignettes
The other day I was carded buying wine at the grocery store. I handed over my Michigan driver's license. The clerk regarded it with suspicion.
"I need a manager on lane 7," she said into the PA system.
I fidgeted awkwardly.
"Nothin' personal," said the clerk to me. "So -- you don't live around here?"
I gave the simple answer. "No, I'm just visiting."
The manager arrived, fluttering her hands. "The book is missing."
"The book is missing?" asked the clerk.
"The book is missing," said the manager. "We need to check all out-of-state licenses in a book, but the book is missing."
"Ok," I said. "The book is missing, so...."
"Yeah, the book is missing, so...." The manager put the wine under the counter.
"So you can't sell me the wine?" I asked incredulously.
"Well, the book is missing."
I gathered my thoughts before I spoke.
"You can sell me the wine. There isn't any state or federal law requiring an in-state driver's license to purchase alcohol. Obviously you have a store policy about checking out of state licenses. Because you lost the book, you're failing to execute your own policy, but I shouldn't be punished for that. You carded me to make sure that I'm not a minor, not to make sure that I'm a Texas resident. I presented a valid, government-issued ID that attests that I'm of legal drinking age."
Actually I didn't say any of that.
I just looked down at my outfit: jeans, tennis shoes, an "I <3 Jacob" t-shirt, sighed, and said, "Ok."
I went to the doctor recently and was told to cut down my milk, chocolate, and caffeine consumption.
"But that's your diet," said the Fiance when I told him the bad news.
He wasn't kidding. I have a cup of coffee every morning. I drink a gallon of milk by myself every three days. I eat all kinds of chocolate; this week alone I've had brownies, M and Ms, and chocolate covered pretzels.
Today is Day 1 of my detox. I did not have coffee this morning. I did not drink any milk all day. Instead I had decaff tea this morning and I have sucked down FIVE lunchbox-sized apple juice bottles. And I'm still thirsty! I need milk, dammit!
As for the chocolate, well, that didn't work out so well. I bought some pumpkin chocolate chip muffins at the farmer's market today and oh my. They are a revelation. Once I ate one of those, I was on a high and wanted to keep it rolling. I considered dipping my chicken nuggets in Hershey's, but I restrained myself.
I hope I have the strength to make it through Day 2.
"I need a manager on lane 7," she said into the PA system.
I fidgeted awkwardly.
"Nothin' personal," said the clerk to me. "So -- you don't live around here?"
I gave the simple answer. "No, I'm just visiting."
The manager arrived, fluttering her hands. "The book is missing."
"The book is missing?" asked the clerk.
"The book is missing," said the manager. "We need to check all out-of-state licenses in a book, but the book is missing."
"Ok," I said. "The book is missing, so...."
"Yeah, the book is missing, so...." The manager put the wine under the counter.
"So you can't sell me the wine?" I asked incredulously.
"Well, the book is missing."
I gathered my thoughts before I spoke.
"You can sell me the wine. There isn't any state or federal law requiring an in-state driver's license to purchase alcohol. Obviously you have a store policy about checking out of state licenses. Because you lost the book, you're failing to execute your own policy, but I shouldn't be punished for that. You carded me to make sure that I'm not a minor, not to make sure that I'm a Texas resident. I presented a valid, government-issued ID that attests that I'm of legal drinking age."
Actually I didn't say any of that.
I just looked down at my outfit: jeans, tennis shoes, an "I <3 Jacob" t-shirt, sighed, and said, "Ok."
I went to the doctor recently and was told to cut down my milk, chocolate, and caffeine consumption.
"But that's your diet," said the Fiance when I told him the bad news.
He wasn't kidding. I have a cup of coffee every morning. I drink a gallon of milk by myself every three days. I eat all kinds of chocolate; this week alone I've had brownies, M and Ms, and chocolate covered pretzels.
Today is Day 1 of my detox. I did not have coffee this morning. I did not drink any milk all day. Instead I had decaff tea this morning and I have sucked down FIVE lunchbox-sized apple juice bottles. And I'm still thirsty! I need milk, dammit!
As for the chocolate, well, that didn't work out so well. I bought some pumpkin chocolate chip muffins at the farmer's market today and oh my. They are a revelation. Once I ate one of those, I was on a high and wanted to keep it rolling. I considered dipping my chicken nuggets in Hershey's, but I restrained myself.
I hope I have the strength to make it through Day 2.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Real Housewife of Texas
Today was my first day as a Real Housewife of Texas. The fiance went to his first day of work and I tried to be a good homemaker.
First, I made cookies. They turned out horribly. Then ants attacked them.
Next, I tried to work out. I ran for three minutes using the Wii fit and nearly collapsed.
In the afternoon, I helped my aunt on a walk-through of my parents' new house. The broker referred to me as "the buyers' adult daughter."
Last, I planned to have dinner ready by the time the Fiance came over after work. I burned the potatoes (water here evaporates so much faster than back home!) but I used the terrace as a warming oven for the buttered rosemary rolls, which worked famously.
1 for 3 in the cooking department. Better luck tomorrow.
First, I made cookies. They turned out horribly. Then ants attacked them.
Next, I tried to work out. I ran for three minutes using the Wii fit and nearly collapsed.
In the afternoon, I helped my aunt on a walk-through of my parents' new house. The broker referred to me as "the buyers' adult daughter."
Last, I planned to have dinner ready by the time the Fiance came over after work. I burned the potatoes (water here evaporates so much faster than back home!) but I used the terrace as a warming oven for the buttered rosemary rolls, which worked famously.
1 for 3 in the cooking department. Better luck tomorrow.
Friday, June 11, 2010
True Life: True Life!
I'm currently starring in True Life: I Live in my Parents' Condo (potential spin-offs include: True Life: I Have Two Advanced Degrees, but I'm Still Unemployed), but it could be a whole lot worse.
I caught a rerun of the heartbreaking True Life: I'm Supporting My Family today. Even though I've watched it before, I couldn't tear my eyes away. Watch it if you can. It will make you grateful for everything you have and astonished that people actually live the way these characters do. I was glad to read online that Unique, the intrepid heroine raising her siblings on her own after her mom's suicide, is soon to be married. Unique, call me. We can talk wedding planning.
The good news is, the Fiance's life just became True Life: I Have a Position with a Bankruptcy Firm, so yaaaaay(!) the Fiance! He's a genius.
Now it's time for True Life: How Many Brownies Can I Eat?
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I heart this t-shirt, but Kid Sister does not
This t-shirt is pretty great.
I want one for myself. And for my sister. And for my other sister. But first I have to convince them that they want the t-shirts, too.
I decided to start with Kid Sister on the phone the other day.
Me: Do you know anything about Twilight?
Kid Sister: Well, kind of.
Me: Ok, do you know the names of the guys?
Kid Sister: Well, I think one is kind of like a vampire.
Me: Edward.
Kid Sister: And the other one. I don't know. I think he's kind of like a wolf.
Me: Jacob.
Kid Sister: Ok. Jacob.
Me: What would you think of wearing a t-shirt that said, "I heart Jacob?"
::long pause::
Kid Sister (disgusted): That is part of romance.
She has a point.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
True Life: Moms
My mom's interesting take on wedding presents:
Me: I got a pancake pan.
Mom: Is it a filled pancake pan?
Me: Why yes it is.
Mom: You know that's really a pass around present, the kind that you use one or two times, then pass around to someone else in your family.
Me: Mom, if you want to borrow it, just say so.
Mom: Well, I'm just saying!
Fiance's mom's interesting take on graduation photos:
Fiance's mom: So I developed the photos from your and Fiance's law school graduation.
Me: Oh yeah? Are they good?
Fiance's mom: Yes, but some are kind of funny.
Me: How so?
Fiance's mom: Well, the background didn't look familiar in some of them. And Fiance didn't have enough tassels. And his robe was a different color.
Me: Huh.
Fiance's mom: I realized that the last time we used that camera was Fiance's high school graduation.
Me: HA!
Fiance: And you know what? He really hasn't changed that much.
Me: I got a pancake pan.
Mom: Is it a filled pancake pan?
Me: Why yes it is.
Mom: You know that's really a pass around present, the kind that you use one or two times, then pass around to someone else in your family.
Me: Mom, if you want to borrow it, just say so.
Mom: Well, I'm just saying!
Fiance's mom's interesting take on graduation photos:
Fiance's mom: So I developed the photos from your and Fiance's law school graduation.
Me: Oh yeah? Are they good?
Fiance's mom: Yes, but some are kind of funny.
Me: How so?
Fiance's mom: Well, the background didn't look familiar in some of them. And Fiance didn't have enough tassels. And his robe was a different color.
Me: Huh.
Fiance's mom: I realized that the last time we used that camera was Fiance's high school graduation.
Me: HA!
Fiance: And you know what? He really hasn't changed that much.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Pioneer Woman Light
Howdy.
It's been a long time since my last post. In that time, my life got a whole lot quirkier. I graduated from law school and moved across the country. For now, I'm living in a quaint town in Texas in my parents' condo while my parents relax by the lake in Michigan.
My parents' condo is on the market, so I live out of a suitcase that I hide in the closet every day. It's a bit like living in the model home in Arrested Development.
I'm also funemployed, so I'm looking for work anywhere I can find it. Meanwhile, I'm still a student; I'm halfway through a 40-hour course in mediation.
The Fiance is as wonderful as ever. We are getting married --back across the country -- on August 14th. There is still a lot to do between now and then, but it's (almost) all good stuff.
As for the cooking, although the Fiance and I subsisted entirely on Starbucks and frozen food in the week leading up to our big move, I've still got a few recipe reviews up my sleeve. I'm currently experimenting with using the condo's terrace as a warming oven. Plus the big move should give me some inspiration for new recipes. Just call me the Pioneer Woman Light.
(Photo of quaint Texas town street by the Fiance. Reproduced with permission).