Cookies and Taxes

I just sat down to have a delicious dinner of cookies and milk, a propensity I share with my grandmother and Santa Claus.

I have been studying Federal Income Taxation for hours. My studying consists of me slogging through tax computation problems, getting them wrong, then trying to figure out why.

I opened a box of Pepperidge Farm "Chocolate Cookie Collection." Dripping, chocolately script on the box declared "Seven varieties of pure chocolate indulgence!" But, there were eight small compartments, each with four cookies.

"Thirty-four," said my tax-toiling brain. "I mean, thirty two. I would've gotten it. I'll have a calculator for the exam."

"Right," I said back. "But there are only supposed be to seven varieties. There are eight compartments. I think I got some extra cookies."

I squinted at the pictures of the cookie varieties on the side panel and let my brain try to make sense of it. It read:

"Except as otherwise provided in this side panel, for purposes of this assortment, the term "cookie" shall not exclude, but is not limited to, the following items:

1. Double Chocolate Milano;
2. Lisbon;
3. Tahiti;
4. Geneva;
a) in taxable years subsequent to 2009, the tax code shall recognize that the "Geneva," defined as any cookie, which is both
i) rich chocolate, and
ii) covered in crunchy pecans
is a sub-optimal cookie due to the presence of nuts. It will be subject to an ACC (average cookie consumption) phaseout for taxpayers whose ACC exceeds the threshold amount as defined by the Treasury Department of 50 cookies per annum and a 1/3 phaseout of the phaseout for taxpapers whose ACC exceeds 100 cookies per annum (unless said taxpaper is a qualified dependent, in which case the threshold ACC is 365 cookies per annum).
5. Orleans;
6. Black and White Milano;
-Cross Reference Reg. 350
7. Dark Chocolate Bordeaux;

Reg. 350
Some taxpayers have complained that receipt of the Black and White Milano was a sham transaction, as the Black and White Milano is simply a Double Chocolate Milano sandwich cookie without the chocolate holding the two pieces together. Normally loathe to look into the terms of an arms-length transaction, courts have held that the Black and White Milano is an embarrassment of a cookie, second only to the Geneva. Taxpayers are entitled to deduct the cost of cookie boxes which contain both the Black and White Milano and the Geneva, to the extent that the aggregated cost of these boxes in one year exceeds 7.5% of the taxpaper's adjusted gross income."

"Thanks," I said to my brain. "That was really thorough. But I still don't know which cookie isn't supposed to be here."

So I took out one of each cookie and I lined them up in order, according to the array on the side panel.

Sure enough, I have eight Genevas.

I'm applying for a refund.