True Life: Vignettes

The other day I was carded buying wine at the grocery store. I handed over my Michigan driver's license. The clerk regarded it with suspicion.

"I need a manager on lane 7," she said into the PA system.

I fidgeted awkwardly.

"Nothin' personal," said the clerk to me. "So -- you don't live around here?"

I gave the simple answer. "No, I'm just visiting."

The manager arrived, fluttering her hands. "The book is missing."

"The book is missing?" asked the clerk.

"The book is missing," said the manager. "We need to check all out-of-state licenses in a book, but the book is missing."

"Ok," I said. "The book is missing, so...."

"Yeah, the book is missing, so...." The manager put the wine under the counter.

"So you can't sell me the wine?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, the book is missing."

I gathered my thoughts before I spoke.

"You can sell me the wine. There isn't any state or federal law requiring an in-state driver's license to purchase alcohol. Obviously you have a store policy about checking out of state licenses. Because you lost the book, you're failing to execute your own policy, but I shouldn't be punished for that. You carded me to make sure that I'm not a minor, not to make sure that I'm a Texas resident. I presented a valid, government-issued ID that attests that I'm of legal drinking age."

Actually I didn't say any of that.

I just looked down at my outfit: jeans, tennis shoes, an "I <3 Jacob" t-shirt, sighed, and said, "Ok."



I went to the doctor recently and was told to cut down my milk, chocolate, and caffeine consumption.

"But that's your diet," said the Fiance when I told him the bad news.

He wasn't kidding. I have a cup of coffee every morning. I drink a gallon of milk by myself every three days. I eat all kinds of chocolate; this week alone I've had brownies, M and Ms, and chocolate covered pretzels.

Today is Day 1 of my detox. I did not have coffee this morning. I did not drink any milk all day. Instead I had decaff tea this morning and I have sucked down FIVE lunchbox-sized apple juice bottles. And I'm still thirsty! I need milk, dammit!

As for the chocolate, well, that didn't work out so well. I bought some pumpkin chocolate chip muffins at the farmer's market today and oh my. They are a revelation. Once I ate one of those, I was on a high and wanted to keep it rolling. I considered dipping my chicken nuggets in Hershey's, but I restrained myself.

I hope I have the strength to make it through Day 2.

The Perfect Bath

A bath solves many problems of the mind. Stressed? Sad? Don't know how to connect two paragraphs in your latest paper? Try a little hydrotherapy. Float around in the hot water; as your muscles unclench, your thoughts will follow.

That's my philosophy, anyway.

To that end, I strive to achieve the perfect bath. I have tried many combinations of luxury items at bath time over the years.

Age 5: Pink bubble bath from Grandma's house and a small Korean*
Age 10: Hershey's miniature candy bars and a fantasy novel
Age 20: Ice cold coca-cola and Clay Aiken music

Now, at age 25, the perfect bath is within reach!

Here are my current recommendations for the almost perfect bath:

1. Use a bath caddy. The Boyfriend got me this one from Pottery Barn for Christmas. I recommend it because it fits on tubs situated against a wall, not just free standing tubs, unlike many caddies. Also, this caddy has a stand for your book!



2. Try some aromatherapy. I love the stress relief products from Bath and Body Works. They use eucalyptus and spearmint essential oils to "relax your body and spirit." Don't you feel more relaxed just reading that? Also, the bubble bath product is also a body wash which you can use every day, so you only have one bottle taking up space in your bath area.



3. Sip a delicious, sweet white wine. I like Reislings, but I like my wine to taste like dessert, and I know that isn't everyone's taste.



4. Read something that has nothing to do with your life. Read a novel. Read a celebrity gossip magazine. Under no circumstances should you try to read the Federal Income Tax Code. It will break your caddy.

Nota bene: For college students reading this post and cursing their bathtub-less dorm rooms, you can achieve many of the same results through use of a nice electric blanket. Substitute candles for the the aromatherapeutic bubble bath, if candles are allowed in your dorm, if not, use essential oil diffusers.


*My little sister