True Life: Vignettes

The other day I was carded buying wine at the grocery store. I handed over my Michigan driver's license. The clerk regarded it with suspicion.

"I need a manager on lane 7," she said into the PA system.

I fidgeted awkwardly.

"Nothin' personal," said the clerk to me. "So -- you don't live around here?"

I gave the simple answer. "No, I'm just visiting."

The manager arrived, fluttering her hands. "The book is missing."

"The book is missing?" asked the clerk.

"The book is missing," said the manager. "We need to check all out-of-state licenses in a book, but the book is missing."

"Ok," I said. "The book is missing, so...."

"Yeah, the book is missing, so...." The manager put the wine under the counter.

"So you can't sell me the wine?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, the book is missing."

I gathered my thoughts before I spoke.

"You can sell me the wine. There isn't any state or federal law requiring an in-state driver's license to purchase alcohol. Obviously you have a store policy about checking out of state licenses. Because you lost the book, you're failing to execute your own policy, but I shouldn't be punished for that. You carded me to make sure that I'm not a minor, not to make sure that I'm a Texas resident. I presented a valid, government-issued ID that attests that I'm of legal drinking age."

Actually I didn't say any of that.

I just looked down at my outfit: jeans, tennis shoes, an "I <3 Jacob" t-shirt, sighed, and said, "Ok."



I went to the doctor recently and was told to cut down my milk, chocolate, and caffeine consumption.

"But that's your diet," said the Fiance when I told him the bad news.

He wasn't kidding. I have a cup of coffee every morning. I drink a gallon of milk by myself every three days. I eat all kinds of chocolate; this week alone I've had brownies, M and Ms, and chocolate covered pretzels.

Today is Day 1 of my detox. I did not have coffee this morning. I did not drink any milk all day. Instead I had decaff tea this morning and I have sucked down FIVE lunchbox-sized apple juice bottles. And I'm still thirsty! I need milk, dammit!

As for the chocolate, well, that didn't work out so well. I bought some pumpkin chocolate chip muffins at the farmer's market today and oh my. They are a revelation. Once I ate one of those, I was on a high and wanted to keep it rolling. I considered dipping my chicken nuggets in Hershey's, but I restrained myself.

I hope I have the strength to make it through Day 2.