"Sister Wives" Goes Off the Rails

In my last two posts about TLC's new docu-drama "Sister Wives," I tried to remain neutral. It's not for me to say if the polygamist lifestyle is right or wrong, so my other recaps focused on what surprised me about each episode.

Well, I can't do it anymore. My disgust with the show keeps growing each week and I have to let it out. The polygamy has little or nothing to do with my disgust. I don't hate polygamists. I hate this polygamist.

Kody.

Even typing his name makes me mad.

This week we watched as Kody's third wife Christine went into labor and delivered her baby. This baby was her sixth (I think) and Kody's thirteenth. Because of Christine's age of 37, she chose to have her baby in the hospital, rather than as a home birth like all of her other deliveries.

Christine was beaming throughout the episode. Maybe she was just excited about her baby, but I couldn't help but think that she loved the attention. For the brief time that she was in the hospital, Christine almost had a monogamous relationship with Kody. He (mostly) stayed by her side and was (sort of) attentive to her needs. He only left Christine in the hospital once to visit and kiss his girlfriend Robyn and he only asked Christine's doctor about in vitro procedures to get his other wife, Meri, pregnant once while Christine was in labor. That was pretty good for Kody -- I give him a B+. Hours after the baby was born, twenty family members tromped into the hospital and everyone, right on down to the little kids, got to hold the baby. I'm not a doctor, but I was cringing thinking of all the germs.

Other noteworthy moments in this episode:

1. Kody leaves Christine at the hospital so he can "go home and change." He changes out of a blue shirt and khakis into a different blue shirt and jeans.

2. During Christine's labor, Kody asks Christine's doctor about in vitro fertilization procedures. The doctor, confused, glances at Christine.

"No, not for her," Kody clarifies. "For my other wife. Because she only has one."

"One ovary?" the doctor asks.

Kody laughs callously. "No! One kid! I'm in the kid business, man!"

3. In an interview, Robyn explains why polygamists usually have home births. "The hospitals want, like, all this information," she says resentfully.

Janelle chimes in, "And if the dad goes to jail, that's a bad thing."

Can't say that I agree with you there, Janelle.

4. Christine is amazed and delighted by the epidural she is administered in the hospital. All of her other births were at home, no epidurals in sight. I know women choose to have natural births for any number of principled reasons, but I can't imagine enduring the pain of labor without even the option of an epidural. But you know hospitals these days, they want, like, all this information....

5. While Robyn watches the kids at home during the birth, the kids play dolls. They have four Barbie dolls, one for each wife, and one Ken doll, Kody. The children move the Ken doll around the doll house, having him say "good morning" to each wife, then push the plastic faces together in a kiss. This scene is strange on so many levels, but at its most basic, when you guys played with dolls, did you ever name them after your parents and act out your daily lives? I didn't...

6. When Janelle holds Christine's baby for the first time, she expresses how happy she is to have another baby in the family, without Janelle having to go through the work of a pregnancy. Janelle is all about letting other people do the work! Hopefully the new baby won't interfere with her busy movie watching schedule.

7. Kody was surprisingly frank about the quality of education at the local polygamist school, though he struggled to define the school itself. He labored, "it's a.....organization....of home school...." (sweat starts to bead up on his brow, his eyes light up as he hits on a word he likes) "coalition!" (long pause as the wheels continue to turn, finally something bursts out of him) "It's not accredited! Most people have to get GEDs!"

It's not accredited? And if you graduate from this program you still need a GED? How is it even a school? It sounds like daycare for teenagers. Or jail. Actually, I bet you can get a GED in jail.

8. Kody's bizarre attitude toward women was on display in this episode. When his teenage daughter, Mariah, approaches Kody about her plan to someday join the military, a visibly uncomfortable Kody squirms and says, "I'm...very pleased with you, heh heh heh, I thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant."

That statement blows my mind. It sounds like he has given up on the possibility of playing an active parental role. His responsible daughter is obviously a stranger to him if his guess about her news could be so off base. Also, I gathered from the scenes of the family praying together in the living room that the parents are trying to raise the kids with conservative Christian values. My parents raised me with similar values. When I was a teen, if I had sat my dad down to tell him that I wanted to apply to college and then he told me, "Phew! I thought you were pregnant," I would have been devastated. What a slap in the face.

9. Over a romantic, 20th-anniversary dinner, Meri brings up her jealously issues. She asks Kody how he would feel if she were lavishing attention on a new husband, the way he is lavishing attention on future wife Robyn. Koby replies, "The vulgarity of the idea of you with two husbands sickens me." When Meri pushes him with more questions, he says, "I feel like you're asking me to admit that what I'm doing is completely unfair."

I will let those statements speak for themselves.

10. Over a romantic, 20th-anniversary trip to Mexico (how? how do they afford these things?!), Kody brings up the possibility of in vitro fertilization to Meri, who shuts him down. Later, in a weepy interview, Meri admits that she would love another baby, if that baby were to come naturally, but she is opposed to the idea of in vitro fertilization. Kody, sitting beside Meri on the couch while she cries, tells the camera, "I haven't been told no in a strong enough fashion to believe it really means no yet."

Thank goodness next week is the finale. I don't know how much more I can take.

More Surprises on TLC's Sister Wives

Sunday night's back-to-back episodes of TLC's documentary series "Sister Wives" brought even more surprises.

1. Kody met Robyn at a party -- and Meri introduced them. I had been wondering about how Kody could have met and begun a flirtation with Robyn. When is Kody acting as a single, available man? He must have met Robyn at work, right? My heart gave a small, painful lurch in my chest when Meri monotoned about the party where they met. An even bigger lurch accompanied Meri's description of how she could tell that Kody was attracted to Robyn and so she suggested that they dance. It sounded like a wife's nightmare to me: your husband is out at a party where he flirts and dances with a younger, prettier woman; he leaves intent on beginning a relationship with this woman. While these episodes showed Meri's unselfish side as she encourages and welcomes the relationship with Robyn, it looks like cracks in the facade appear next week.

2. Kody likes children. I guess it's not surprising to learn that a polygamist likes children, but Kody REALLY likes children. Thirteen kids and counting is not enough for Kody! Kody's third wife, Christine is pregnant with a baby girl. She miscarried a year ago and, in an interview with Kody by her side, worries that her age of 37 will compromise the health and safe delivery of her unborn daughter. Kody, unphased by his wife's fears, says that he is glad to hear that the baby on board is a girl -- he knows Christine wants another boy, so he's hoping that she will still have one more child after this one. Miscarriage, tears, fears, and thirteen others notwithstanding, Kody wants more kids.

3. Robyn is looking forward to having three babysitters. Robyn tried to get her three kids in the car so she could take them to the park. The kids did everything but get in the car, including running around the driveway. "I'm going to count to three," said Robyn. The phrase sent chills down my spine. I haven't heard it in a long time, but some things you never forget. If my mom said, "I'm going to count to three," she never even got to "one," before I was doing whatever I was supposed to do. I didn't want to know what happened if she got to "three" -- because I knew that she meant business. Well, Robyn's kids let Robyn count all the way to three while continuing to run amok. Robyn, exasperated, turned to the camera and said, "I'm looking forward to having more help." I'm sympathetic that as a single mom she feels overwhelmed, but there must be an easier way to get help raising your own children, than to marry a man with three wives and thirteen kids of his own. Let's do the math.

1 Robyn / 3 kids = 1/3 of her parenting time for each kid

4 moms / 16 kids = 1/4 of some mom's parenting time for each kid

Maybe there's an economy of scale argument to be made, but I'm not buying it.

4. Robyn may have been in an abusive relationship. In an almost throw-away moment, Robyn, a divorcee, mentions that since she left her husband, she has spent the last few years trying to provide a "safe environment" for her kids. You hear about "safe environments" for kids a lot in family law when domestic abuse is involved. You don't hear it too much at the grocery store or over coffee. I don't think it's a phrase that would just slip out of the lips of someone who left her husband over "irreconcilable differences."

5. Kids are treated as a servant army. Parents love to enlist their kids, don't they? Kody's oldest daugthers got to make a 5-hour drive with their dad to Robyn's hometown so that the daughters could watch Robyn's kids while Kody and Robyn went on a date. Yeah, you read that right. Later, Kody wants to throw a birthday party for Robyn, so once again the oldest daughters are put to work planning and throwing the party. At a planning session, the girls squirm uncomfortably as they talk about how Robyn is young enough to be their sister. Well, Kody, that's what you get for drawing attention to Robyn's age by making your kids throw her a birthday bash.

6. Robyn got a big party while everyone else got -- what, exactly? Robyn's birthday party looked like a fun time, thrown at Kody's sprawling house, with people everywhere (but I guess those were just the kids and the wives? It's hard to tell). I wonder if the other wives get such big birthday parties. What about the kids? It seems like there would have to be many birthdays a month to cover everyone. I'm guessing the big party was a one time event, to make Robyn feel welcome.

Looking forward to more surprises next week....

Domestic Violence Escalates on MTV's "Teen Mom"

Amber Portwood physically assaulted her fiance Gary Shirley on last night's episode of docu-drama "Teen Mom." Cameras rolled as Amber screamed obscenities and repeatedly slapped Gary's face. Gary refused to retaliate, even as Amber threatened to throw him down the stairs. Amber then punched Gary in the face with a closed fist, causing Gary's head to collide audibly with the wall. As Gary fled the ugly scene down the stairs, Amber kicked him in the back.

Amber's loss of control came hot on the heels of Gary suggesting that Amber was an unfit mother to their toddler daughter, Leah. In a previous incident, Gary confronted Amber about her neglectful parenting. Gary had come home to find baby Leah screaming in her crib, which hadn't had a new crib sheet in days, while Amber relaxed on the couch in another room. Gary suggested that if things didn't change, he would be forced to call Child Protective Services. Amber became enraged, verbally berated Gary in words not fit to print, and then threw him out of the house. Gary took Leah with him, insisting that they would both be gone "forever." When Gary returned later to collect some of his belongings, Amber assaulted him.

MTV responded to these abusive acts by airing three public service announcement-type placards throughout the show ("If you or someone you know has been a victim of domestic violence..."). The network also posted an interview with Amber and Gary on MTV.com, entitled "Amber and Gary Discuss Their Abusive Relationship." You can watch the video here. The video could easily be re-titled "Amber and Gary Continue Their Abusive Relationship." The video shows a subdued, almost zombie-like Amber suggesting that in some instances she doesn't even remember attacking Gary. When Gary speaks up about how he would like to be treated, Amber immediately loses her temper and interrupts him to snap, "Don't be rude, Gary," before suggesting that he is the problem.

The video is accompanied by a short essay by Katie Ray-Jones, a domestic violence expert. She describes the interaction this way:

"She constantly interrupts him during the interview and dismisses his feelings. In abusive relationships, it is common for the abusive person to blame the victim for the abuser's actions."

I had a law professor who encouraged us to analyze legal situations by "going toward the ambiguity." In this situation, I struggle to find any ambiguity with regard to Amber's behavior toward Gary. Amber's physical and verbal abuse of Gary is egregious and it is documented by live footage. Gary needs to free himself from this relationship.

Ambiguity starts to creep in with regard to Leah. Has Amber physically abused Leah? If she has, MTV's cameras haven't caught it. Is it only a matter of time until she does hurt her daughter? I really don't know. Maybe an expert in domestic violence could attest to the mentality of an abuser. Is it a "once an abuser, always an abuser" situation or can the anger and violence be directed at only one person? Even if Amber would never lay a hand on Leah, what are the effects of Leah witnessing Amber's violent outbursts against Gary? Does Amber's filthy apartment and habitual refusal to interact with her own daughter rise to the level of abusive neglect?

Taking as a given that Amber is abusing Leah, either through domestic violence or neglect, what's next for Leah? She should be taken away from her mom to somewhere safe, but for how long? Until her mom can "get better?" What if that never happens? And what's next for Amber?

Domestic violence is wrong, no matter the genders of the perpetrator and the victim, but we can't help looking at a female abuser slightly differently. If I had just watched a video of a man punching a woman in the face, my first reaction would be, "He needs to be locked up." Watching a woman punch a man, I thought, "She needs help." My first assumption was that Amber's violent ways could only be the result of a chemical imbalance in her brain. "She's really hurting and feels trapped," I thought. "Fix her meds, get her some help, and she'll stop." Later, I questioned my own reaction. Maybe Amber is just a bully. She isn't a frail little girl, taking out her frustrations by feebly punching a pillow on the couch. She's a grown woman. She's training in mixed martial arts, learning to more effectively hurt people with her hands and feet. She isn't punching a pillow, she's punching the face of another human being.

I'm glad MTV chose to air the Public Service Announcements and to post the response from a domestic violence expert, but I think the abuse has gone too far. "Teen Mom" began as a show documenting the real-life hardships of teen mothers attempting to balance school, family, jobs, and a child. Season One showed the moms waking up in the middle of the night to change diapers and attempting to attend online classes with babies in their laps. Season Two has spun out of control. The day-to-day moments that made Season One realistic and winning have been eclipsed by a focus on never-ending relationship drama and by highlighting the abuse between Amber and Gary.

I hope "Teen Mom" is renewed for a third season, but without Amber. I don't see how MTV can continue to pay her and to profit from her abusive ways.

8 Things and Counting That Surprised Me About TLC's "Sister Wives"

TLC's new reality series "Sister Wives" premiered last night. It follows fundamentalist Mormon father Kody Brown, his three wives, and their thirteen children in their daily lives in Lehi, Utah. Here are the things that surprised me about the show.

1. Kody is a frenetic, fun-loving surfer dude. Where is the ancient, taciturn, and unyielding polygamist patriarch I expected? Did he refuse to film, so central casting sent this guy instead? I can't decide if Kody's goofy, teenager-trapped-in-an-adult's body persona -- particularly his lion's mane of hair -- is more or less creepy than what I expected.

2. Most of the wives work outside the home. I didn't expect the wives to pursue careers or education beyond the domestic setting, but Meri, the first wife, works and is studying for a degree in psychology while Janelle, the second wife, has an unspecified office job. Janelle openly admits that she prefers her career to housework, so she is happy that the third wife, Christine, is so willing to cook and clean. Janelle even says, "This way I can go out to the movies or do what I want." Paradoxically, it sounds like Janelle has more freedom than many mothers, thanks to the live-in child care provided by her sister wife.

3. They aren't farmers. I really had no idea that any polygamist families lived suburban lifestyles. Kody drives a nice car and works in advertising. The whole family lives in one spacious home loosely divided into separate living areas for each wife and her children.

4. Kody wasn't brought up as a polygamist, but most of the women were. Kody didn't convert to Fundamentalist Mormonism until he was a young adult, right before he married Meri, his first wife, who was brought up in the religion and always expected to be part of a plural marriage. Janelle, the second wife, grew up with polygamist family friends and didn't find the idea of joining an existing marriage "a shock." Christine, the third wife, came from a polygamist background and always wanted to be part of a plural marriage. "Huh," I said to my (only) husband during a commercial. "I thought the polygamist man would have to convince the women to join his lifestyle. This way it kind of takes the challenge out of it."

5. The women talk about marriage order the way other people talk about birth order in siblings. Christine tells the camera that she always wanted to be a third wife. She knew she didn't want to be a first wife because she didn't "want to be married to a man without anyone else." She didn't want to be a second wife, because the second wife tends to be a "wedge." She continues, "but they say if you are having trouble in your marriage to two women, marry a third and she'll fix it." She nods and smiles proudly.

6. The wives go on lots of one-on-one dates with their husband. Kody interviews that he makes time for each wife individually, so most evenings he goes out with one of his wives on a date. That sounds to me like each wife is getting around two date nights a week, while the other sister-wives look after the children. I know plenty of wives and mothers who would love that many date nights. Again, the built-in child care obviously has some benefits.

7. The wives admit to feeling jealous. I thought that the women would present an unflinching, united front in favor of their lifestyle. It was surprising to hear Meri admit that she struggles with feelings of jealousy that she hopes to one day overcome. Christine also seemed hurt by Kody's announcement that a fourth wife may be brought into the mix. Like a youngest child finding out there is another baby on the way, she seemed to wonder, "What's wrong with me? Why aren't I enough?"

8. The family doesn't seem to be taking any action to avoid prosecution. The family members use their real names and show their faces. They may think that they are safe from the arm of the law because only the marriage between Kody and Meri is "legal." The other two marriages are religious only. It's not a crime to be married to one woman and to have relationships with other women, they would probably argue. Unforunately for them, some sources say otherwise. I am surprised that the family didn't take more precautions before agreeing to discuss their family on national television. I am sure the sister-wives would be devasted if Kody had to go to jail or, worse yet, if Child Protective Services got involved and took some of the children away.

Kid Sister Movie Reviews: Movie Round-Up

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole

The high-flying story follows a young owl, Soren, who dreams of his father's epic stories of the legend of the guardians of Ga'Hoole to protect all Owl Kingdoms from being slaves to the evil Pure Ones. After being taken captive by the Pure Ones, it's up to Soren and his friends to find the Great Tree, home of the guardians- Soren's only hope to defeat the Pure Ones. On his way to finding the legend, he will become one.
Grade: B+.

The Nutcracker in 3D

From the imagination of acclaimed Russians director Andrei Konchalovsky and story/music by composer Piotr Tchaikovsky, they brought the most beloved Christmas story of all time -- the Nutcracker for the time ever in 3D. In a whole different version of the story unlike classical Christmas stories, follows a young prince, "NC" whose kingdom had been overthrown by the evil Rat King and his army, a curse casted upon him and was banished from his world forever. Meanwhile, in human world during Christmas Eve night, a nine year old girl, Marie whose uncle Albert brought his gift, NC to Marie. Suddenly Marie's life is about to change when NC comes to life and asks Marie to join his quest to reclaim his kingdom and put an end this dreaded curse. But when NC was captured by the Rat King, it's up to courageous Marie and her friends to defeat Rat King, save NC and the kingdom.
Grade: A-.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

After wizarding world of Ministy of Magic and Hogwarts being terrorized by Death Eaters and Lord Voldermolt, Harry and his friends are on their mission to find Horcuxes to finish Dumbledore's work before Voldermolt determinds to kill Harry. As Harry uncovers the legendary tale of Deathly Hallows, he has to prepare to face the greatest task since during his 1st year at Hogwarts: The final showdown with Voldermolt.
Grade: A-.

Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Narnia has called the Pevensies once again to reclaim their destiny. Accomplained by Prince Caspian and the majestic lion, Aslan, they journeyed on a voyage of Dawn Treader on a mission to find seven lords, who had been banished by Prince Caspian's evil uncle, Miraz.
Grade: B+.

Schadenfreude Project: Jobs That Have Rejected Me, Part 1

The Schadenfreude Project

I am an unemployed recent law school graduate. I would like to embarrass myself by sharing with you the many jobs I have recently applied to:

1. Starbucks barista

I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm allergic to coffee, milk, and chocolate, I'd better start whipping up some mochas," so I applied for a job at a Starbucks within walking distance. Never heard back.

2. Starbucks shift manager

Why not? I have a JD. I can probably manage a team of high school kids, right? Wrong. Never heard back.

3. Starbucks barista at a different location

I decided to cast a wider net so I applied to the Starbucks a short drive from my place. I thought my chances were better at this one, because I have a connection. My aunt is kind of a big deal at this Starbucks. When I used to go through the drive through lane for my tall decaff soy latte no whip (before I realized that there is no point to this dairy-less, caffeine-free, anemic beverage), I was regularly asked, "Are you Susan's niece?!" I guess even my networking with famous family members didn't pay off. Never heard back.

4. Starbucks shift manager at a different location

Again, why not? Plus, I'm Susan's niece!

5. Petite catalog model

I'm petite. I like catalogs -- but I'm not a model, not even in Cleveland (4:44).

6. Textbook editor

I thought that my prior experience editing and proofreading textbooks might qualify me to edit and proofread textbooks. Never heard back.

7. SAT tutor

Seriously, guys. I have been a teacher and a tutor before. I did OK on the SAT. Guys? Guys? Never heard back.

8. Focus group member

I can focus! I would like $75 for talking about the economy for an hour -- but I guess my thoughts aren't worth that much. Poorly punctuated and randomly cApitaLized Craig's List posting, you let me down. Never heard back.



Please feel free to comment below with your own embarrassing job application stories. You can even post anonymously.


(Starbucks logo reproduced without permission.)

Flood

My parents' home flooded in the week after Labor Day. Luckily, my little sister was visiting and awoke in the wee hours to water seeping into the house's lower level. I say luckily, not for my poor sister's sake, but because she was able to alert my parents, who might not have discovered the situation until the morning.

My mom doesn't take natural disasters lying down -- not in her house! So she and my sister waded out into the front yard, to try to build a bulwark against the raging water using anything they could get their hands on: stones from the landscaping, a plastic tarp left behind by some painters, and a kitty tower.

The following exchange occurred on that dark, rainy night:

Mom: Whoa! The water is up to my knees! I'm not going any closer. You do it.
Sister: Why me?
Mom: Because you have your bathing suit on!
Mom: THESE ARE MY RUNNING CLOTHES! You thought I brought my bathing suit on this trip?
Sister: YES! I thought you put it on for the flood!

Is MTV complicit in the abusive relationships it documents?

I love MTV, especially its reality programming. Shows like "True Life" and "Teen Mom" provide fascinating glimpses into varied American lifestyles. I cried my eyes out this Tuesday during "Teen Mom" when young parents Caitlynn and Tyler called their daughter, for whom they chose adoption, on her first birthday and heard her playing in the background. It was heartbreaking. It was honest. And it was beautiful. It was all the stuff that great reality tv show moments are made of.

Lately, though, I've noticed a disturbing trend in some of my favorite MTV reality shows.

Remember the "slap heard 'round the world?" It was 1998 and Real World: Seattle cast mate Stephen slapped his co-star Irene in the face. The incident caused a media firestorm. Questions were raised about the appropriateness of airing the footage. Some suggested that MTV was complicit in the incident by creating an environment that encouraged outrageous behavior. Together the cast mates and production decided that Stephen could remain on the show, provided he agreed to undergo anger management counseling.

Over ten years later, the idea of a single televised slap causing such a response seems quaint. Today Stephen probably wouldn't have to worry about getting kicked off his show -- he might even get a spin-off.

Last week Real World: New Orleans cast member Jemmye punched her pseudo-boyfriend Knight in the face. She PUNCHED him. In the FACE. Jemmye had been pushed to her limits by weeks of misogynistic and -- in my opinion -- abusive vitriol from Knight. Neither the punch nor the constant verbal abuse elicited a reaction from MTV's production staff.

On season one of MTV's documentary series "Teen Mom," Amber Portwood choked, shoved, and slapped her fiance Gary Shirley during a heated argument in front of their infant daughter. The incident was correctly labeled as domestic violence by Dr. Drew Pinsky during the season one reunion. Amber was then re-hired for a second season of the show. She continues to be paid by MTV and each week her anger at her fiance and child appears to mount. So far on season two, Amber has menaced Gary with a closed fist and suggested that she will begin disciplining their now two-year-old daughter by slapping her hands.

"Teen Mom" seems to have glossed over numerous assaults on cast member Farrah Abraham by her own mom, Debra. Even though Debra struck Farrah in the face during an argument on "Sixteen and Pregnant," the predecessor show to "Teen Mom," Debra was asked back and has now appeared on two seasons of "Teen Mom." She is undoubtedly still receiving appearance fees from MTV. In the hiatus between filming the two seasons of "Teen Mom," Debra attacked Farrah again, this time splitting her lip. The police were called to the scene and Debra menaced the police officer with knives.

How are Amber and Debra still paid to be on tv? Why didn't Dr. Drew confront Debra about her violence on the season one reunion? Is it enough to slap a public service announcement at the end of an episode (as was the case with Snooki's punch) while still using the act of violence as a featured part of the show (again: Snooki's punch)? At what point does MTV become complicit in the abusive relationships it documents?

"Leave the Sewin' to the Women; You Go Get Some Trimmin'!"

Right now my aunt and mom are working diligently to fix up my sisters' bridesmaids dresses. I'm hoping that it is going a little something like this.

Kid Sister Movie Review: Ramona and Beezus

Warning: may contain spoilers.

There were few funny, sad, and heartwarming scenes in the movie. My favorite characters are Ramona and Beezus, their family, aunt and uncle. I would love to see that movie again so many times until it came on DVD! It's about misadventures of young 9 year old mischief girl, Ramona Quimby who drives her family crazy because of her distraction of imangination. Meanwhile, her father lost his job, and they might lose their house! Now it's up to Ramona with her mischief and imagination to save her family's home before moving away.

I say the grade "A+"! My favorite parts: Ramona keeps in trouble at school, their dad comes home and sisters came running and hugging on hin, Ramona jumping on her bed and her imagination of space, Beezus letting her sister to sleep with her, her father and Ramona coloring a large picture for school and the wedding scene at the end. Least favorite parts: her dad yells at her, to girls fighting over phone and let oven on fire, baby spits food on Ramona's face and aunt and uncle got each other's nerve. Sad parts: their cat died, family losing money, their dad yelling at Ramona and Ramona ran away from home.

Today I bought pants with an elastic waistband...

...and I'm not pregnant.

Check out these amazing jean leggings! They just slide right on like sweat pants. I love Nordstrom's Anniversary Sale.

In other shopping news, the Fiance and I picked up our wedding bands, but I'm not previewing those on my blog because that seems tacky. Speaking of tacky (?), I also bought a skirt inspired by one I saw on the Bachelorette. I got this little number on clearance at Saks:

I needed some retail therapy. Planning a wedding = stress.

Kid Sister Movie Review: The Karate Kid

I would like to introduce a new feature on my blog, in which my kid sister reviews movies.

This project is still in the early stages. Last month I emailed kid sister a request for a review of the movie, "The Karate Kid." Here is our email exchange:

from: [kid sister]
to: [sophisticate]
date Fri, Jun 25, 2010 at 12:33 PM
subject Re: reminder: Karate Kid Movie Review

"The Karate Kid" is about a 12 year old boy Dre Parker new kid moved to China with his mom at Breverly Hills apartment and was a new student at Chinese school where he made two friends.

He immediately falls for his classmate Mei Ying - and the feeling is mutual - but cultural differences make such a friendship impossible. Even worse, Dre's feelings make an enemy of the class bully, Cheng. With no friends in a strange land, Dre has nowhere to turn but maintenance man Mr. Han (Jackie Chan), who is secretly a master of kung fu. As Han teaches Dre that kung fu is about maturity and calm, Dre realizes that facing down the bullies will be the fight of his life.

What I like about it is when we get to know the Chinese culture and martial arts including kung fu. Mostly for the first time, we get to see Kung Fu tournment not to be seen on TV unlike anywhere. What I dislike about it is when two lovable kids on their secret date in the storytelling theatre at the festival. Mom told me to never do that without permission when I had boyfriend over. I'll say the grade is A-. I hope that's enough infromation for your blog! Good luck with that! Love and miss you! Chat with you later! Email me back soon as you got this message!
Love,
[kid sister]


from: [sophisticate]
to: [kid sister]
date Fri, Jun 25, 2010 at 12:49 PM
subject Re: reminder: Karate Kid Movie Review

Thank you so much!!

I really love the parts that you wrote. It looks like some parts are copied and pasted from Internet websites. Can you write the plot summary in your own words?

Love,
[sophisticate]

from: [kid sister]
to: [sophisticate]
date Sat, Jun 26, 2010 at 10:25 AM
subject Re: reminder: Karate Kid Movie Review

[sophisticate],
I guess I could I try summary better in my own words. It's not that easy to do it though. We talked about this before online. Never mind.
Bye!
Love,
[kid sister]

We're taking baby steps. Stay tuned for reviews of "The Last Airbender" and "Ramona and Bezus."

I am so busy preparing for the wedding...

that I need four of me.

True Life: On the Phone with my Brother

Me: How was your ten-year reunion?
Brother: Fine. One of my friends walked up to me and said, "I'm overweight, unemployed, and live with my parents."
Me: I'm all of those except overweight.
Brother: I'm all of those except I don't live with my parents.

True Life: Milk: It does a body good, right?

Day 2 without milk.

Me: Maybe it's something other than milk that's making me sick. I've been drinking milk my whole life. It's probably something else.
Fiance: It kind of sounds like you're in denial.
Me: I'm not in denial! Maybe if I don't drink milk in the morning, I could drink it in the afternoon.
Fiance: Now you're bargaining.
Me: What's your point? Geez.
Fiance: And now you're angry. You are going through the five stages of grief.
Me: (sulks)

True Life: Vignettes

The other day I was carded buying wine at the grocery store. I handed over my Michigan driver's license. The clerk regarded it with suspicion.

"I need a manager on lane 7," she said into the PA system.

I fidgeted awkwardly.

"Nothin' personal," said the clerk to me. "So -- you don't live around here?"

I gave the simple answer. "No, I'm just visiting."

The manager arrived, fluttering her hands. "The book is missing."

"The book is missing?" asked the clerk.

"The book is missing," said the manager. "We need to check all out-of-state licenses in a book, but the book is missing."

"Ok," I said. "The book is missing, so...."

"Yeah, the book is missing, so...." The manager put the wine under the counter.

"So you can't sell me the wine?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, the book is missing."

I gathered my thoughts before I spoke.

"You can sell me the wine. There isn't any state or federal law requiring an in-state driver's license to purchase alcohol. Obviously you have a store policy about checking out of state licenses. Because you lost the book, you're failing to execute your own policy, but I shouldn't be punished for that. You carded me to make sure that I'm not a minor, not to make sure that I'm a Texas resident. I presented a valid, government-issued ID that attests that I'm of legal drinking age."

Actually I didn't say any of that.

I just looked down at my outfit: jeans, tennis shoes, an "I <3 Jacob" t-shirt, sighed, and said, "Ok."



I went to the doctor recently and was told to cut down my milk, chocolate, and caffeine consumption.

"But that's your diet," said the Fiance when I told him the bad news.

He wasn't kidding. I have a cup of coffee every morning. I drink a gallon of milk by myself every three days. I eat all kinds of chocolate; this week alone I've had brownies, M and Ms, and chocolate covered pretzels.

Today is Day 1 of my detox. I did not have coffee this morning. I did not drink any milk all day. Instead I had decaff tea this morning and I have sucked down FIVE lunchbox-sized apple juice bottles. And I'm still thirsty! I need milk, dammit!

As for the chocolate, well, that didn't work out so well. I bought some pumpkin chocolate chip muffins at the farmer's market today and oh my. They are a revelation. Once I ate one of those, I was on a high and wanted to keep it rolling. I considered dipping my chicken nuggets in Hershey's, but I restrained myself.

I hope I have the strength to make it through Day 2.

Real Housewife of Texas

Today was my first day as a Real Housewife of Texas. The fiance went to his first day of work and I tried to be a good homemaker.

First, I made cookies. They turned out horribly. Then ants attacked them.

Next, I tried to work out. I ran for three minutes using the Wii fit and nearly collapsed.

In the afternoon, I helped my aunt on a walk-through of my parents' new house. The broker referred to me as "the buyers' adult daughter."

Last, I planned to have dinner ready by the time the Fiance came over after work. I burned the potatoes (water here evaporates so much faster than back home!) but I used the terrace as a warming oven for the buttered rosemary rolls, which worked famously.

1 for 3 in the cooking department. Better luck tomorrow.

True Life: True Life!

I'm currently starring in True Life: I Live in my Parents' Condo (potential spin-offs include: True Life: I Have Two Advanced Degrees, but I'm Still Unemployed), but it could be a whole lot worse.

I caught a rerun of the heartbreaking True Life: I'm Supporting My Family today. Even though I've watched it before, I couldn't tear my eyes away. Watch it if you can. It will make you grateful for everything you have and astonished that people actually live the way these characters do. I was glad to read online that Unique, the intrepid heroine raising her siblings on her own after her mom's suicide, is soon to be married. Unique, call me. We can talk wedding planning.

The good news is, the Fiance's life just became True Life: I Have a Position with a Bankruptcy Firm, so yaaaaay(!) the Fiance! He's a genius.

Now it's time for True Life: How Many Brownies Can I Eat?

Full Engagement Photo Gallery

Click here to see the full engagement photo gallery.

I heart this t-shirt, but Kid Sister does not

This t-shirt is pretty great.

I want one for myself. And for my sister. And for my other sister. But first I have to convince them that they want the t-shirts, too.

I decided to start with Kid Sister on the phone the other day.

Me: Do you know anything about Twilight?
Kid Sister: Well, kind of.
Me: Ok, do you know the names of the guys?
Kid Sister: Well, I think one is kind of like a vampire.
Me: Edward.
Kid Sister: And the other one. I don't know. I think he's kind of like a wolf.
Me: Jacob.
Kid Sister: Ok. Jacob.
Me: What would you think of wearing a t-shirt that said, "I heart Jacob?"
::long pause::
Kid Sister (disgusted): That is part of romance.

She has a point.

Engagement Photos Preview

True Life: Moms

My mom's interesting take on wedding presents:

Me: I got a pancake pan.
Mom: Is it a filled pancake pan?
Me: Why yes it is.
Mom: You know that's really a pass around present, the kind that you use one or two times, then pass around to someone else in your family.
Me: Mom, if you want to borrow it, just say so.
Mom: Well, I'm just saying!

Fiance's mom's interesting take on graduation photos:

Fiance's mom: So I developed the photos from your and Fiance's law school graduation.
Me: Oh yeah? Are they good?
Fiance's mom: Yes, but some are kind of funny.
Me: How so?
Fiance's mom: Well, the background didn't look familiar in some of them. And Fiance didn't have enough tassels. And his robe was a different color.
Me: Huh.
Fiance's mom: I realized that the last time we used that camera was Fiance's high school graduation.
Me: HA!
Fiance: And you know what? He really hasn't changed that much.

Pioneer Woman Light

Howdy.

It's been a long time since my last post. In that time, my life got a whole lot quirkier. I graduated from law school and moved across the country. For now, I'm living in a quaint town in Texas in my parents' condo while my parents relax by the lake in Michigan.

My parents' condo is on the market, so I live out of a suitcase that I hide in the closet every day. It's a bit like living in the model home in Arrested Development.

I'm also funemployed, so I'm looking for work anywhere I can find it. Meanwhile, I'm still a student; I'm halfway through a 40-hour course in mediation.

The Fiance is as wonderful as ever. We are getting married --back across the country -- on August 14th. There is still a lot to do between now and then, but it's (almost) all good stuff.

As for the cooking, although the Fiance and I subsisted entirely on Starbucks and frozen food in the week leading up to our big move, I've still got a few recipe reviews up my sleeve. I'm currently experimenting with using the condo's terrace as a warming oven. Plus the big move should give me some inspiration for new recipes. Just call me the Pioneer Woman Light.


(Photo of quaint Texas town street by the Fiance. Reproduced with permission).

True Life: Kid Sister and I Make a Bet

Another gchat conversation with my kid sister. The only editing I've done has been to remove names. "K" stands for "Kid Sister."


K: Hola! How was school?

me: hi! isn't it almost your bedtime?

K: Yeah well, I only got until almost 10.

me: wow, you are such a bid girl

bid = big

K: Okay, that was confusing.

You really know how to translation, don't you?

How did you do learn that? From teachers or [The Fiance]?

me: i don't know

i just know how to do it

K: You just know how though. Very sneaky aren't you?

me: why?

K: Gues what lol stands for?

me: laughing out loud?

K: Correct! How about btw?

me: by the way

K: Correct again! Wow, aren't we smart or what?! (laughs) It's like testing quiz game of knoweldge.

Test me.

Le's see who is he smartest in family.

me: lol, ok

what does g2g stand for?

K: Gotta 2 go?

I mean, gotta to go!

me: correct!!

one point for you!

how about ttys?

K: Umm...

ta-ta see you?

I think I got this wrong. (sgihs)

me: very close though

"talk to you soon"

K: Ughh! Man! (frustrated) You win, fair and square.

I knew that, somehow

Got any eaiser ones I can answer better?

me: i think you were close enough!

K: You think?!

me: that's still two points for you

and two for me

we are all tied up

K: It's a tie!

me: if you get one more correct, then you are the winner!

K: How can we bet on something? Hey why not? Hannah Montana S3 Finale DVD? Whoever wins the last round gets to own the DVD and the other doesn't! Ha! Finder keepers!

Just playing with you!

me: haha

K: Didn't mean that. Jsut having some fun and humor? Get it? Humor?

What do you think Wanna bet?

me: we can bet Hannah Montana

if you want

K: Give me your best shot!

me: or how about something like this

K: Sis!

me: if you win, then you get to keep the Hannah Montana season 3 dvd

if I win, then you will help me with wedding planning

K: Absoluetly not! That's not a fair bet! Pick a better bet! (huffs)

me: sigh

ok....

K: Thank you.

me: if you win, you will help with wedding planning

and if i win, i get the Hanna Montana DVD

K: Now give me your best shot to the last question! I'm ready! We'll see about that missy! [The Fiance], I hope you're watching this!

me: [The Fiance] isn't here right now

K: Sister vs. sister! Now give me your best shot to the last question! I'm ready!

me: i just want to make sure that you read the conditions of the bet

if you win, you are helping me with wedding planning

and if i win, i get the Hannah Montana DVD

K: Now give me your best to the last question! I'm rady for the challenge!

me: ok....

what does idk mean?

K: Oh, that's a tough one. Give me a hint to that translation?

me: ok

your hint is

it's three words

the first one is "I"

and the third one is "know"

K: I didn't know?

me: CORRECT!!!!!

K: Duh! Stupid? How close am I or not>

me: you are the winner!

K: YES!!!!!!!!!!! I'm the winner! I get to keep the DVD and you're not!

me: ummm, I don't think so

K: WHA?!

That's nto fair!

me: were you listening to the conditions of the bet?

if you win, you get to help with wedding planning!

K: NOOO!!!!!! Take te bet back!

me: too late!

K: [The Sophisticate]!!! [The Fiance}!!! I'll get you for this!!!!!! [The Fiance]! DVD emergncy! Sister not playng fair and square! You have Mom coming to Indiana to help you on wedding planning, not me. That's the whole point!

me: ooh, you are so cute

weddings are a lot of work!

I need all the help I can get!

K: Seriously, okay? This is not fair to take advantage of me for playing this trivia game. (groans)

I will not help you on wedding planning. This is final.

You have Mom instead of me.

me: sigh

K: Sorry. The only reason I'm part of this is why I'm happy for [The Fiance] to be my brother in-law, not the marriage part and wedding recpetion.

That's all there is. End of discussion. Gotta go! Mom's making me to go bed before school tomorrow morning. I'll let you two talk about my discussion. I'm fine on the bridesmaids' dresses part for the wedding. that's another reason.

me: ok, bye

K: adios amigos! Hasta luengo. Love and miss you! Signing off! Again I sorry about my decision but that's final for me. Talk to Mom when she comes to Indiana this Saturday morning. Wen you see her, talk about it.

Bye for now!

The Bachelor: Second Rose Theory

I have a theory about the Bachelor: whichever lucky girl receives the second rose at the rose ceremony with the final three will be the winner.

The first girl to get a rose seems to be sailing through to the finale and maybe into the heart of the Bachelor. Her fan base feels confident. These fans are being set up for a fall by the producers. "I can't believe he didn't pick her in the end!"

The second girl to get a rose seems to be in jeopardy. Her fan base cringes after the first rose is given out. Who will get the last remaining rose? When her name is called, the fans breathe a sigh of relief. The producers have injected just enough tension. When this second girl is ultimately chosen, it will feel like a come-from behind victory, a fairy tale ending.

I'm putting together some data by sorting through Television Without Pity recaps, but if any readers know of a faster way to find this information, please let me know.

So far, of ten seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette that I've analyzed, my "Second Rose" theory correctly predicts the winner seven times.

And Vienna got the second rose tonight.

Just saying.

"Dear Lost"

Dear Lost,

When our heroes descended into a subterranean lair on Tuesday night, my skin instantly started to crawl. Then I remembered.

The heroes might encounter a decomposing corpse or two.

They may be attacked by a monster made of smoke.

Mysterious Others may kidnap and torture them.

But no matter how deep into the lair they venture or how many nights they spend in the jungle or how many haunted cabins they visit at midnight with only a flickering lantern to guide them, there is one thing that you won't make me watch.

A single bug.

And for that, dear Lost, I thank you.

2009 Was Mighty Fine

Dear readers,

I'm sorry it's been so long since I posted. The last month has been extremely busy for me. I'd like to give you a brief end of the year recap. You may remember that I started this blog in September of 2009 with several goals for the school year. The school year ain't over yet, but the calendar year is, so let's recap some of the high-highs of 2009:

1. I set a goal to win a local cookie baking contest. My efforts at perfecting cookie recipes were chronicled in my "Great Cookie Competition" posts. Well, readers, with a lot of help from my friends, I WON! The winning recipe was the "Chocolate Crackle Cookies" featured on this blog. I will provide a more detailed post with photos when I can.

2. The boyfriend and I dressed as Doug Funnie and Patti Mayonnaise for Halloween this year. We thought that the law school's annual costume contest might be a teensy bit rigged in our favor because 3Ls usually win -- and we did -- but rumor has it we won without any judicial bias.

3. I did not fail federal income tax. I worked very hard and got a solid, but not spectacular grade. Oh well, I'll never have to worry about tax again -- except that I signed up for international tax this semester. Because, by the end, to quote my good friend Miss A in London, "I just -- I just really love tax!!"

4. The Boyfriend became the Fiance!